An Army of Gays

Days 6-12 of The 24 Things Mid-Winter Toss.

My mantra for 2012 is: “One is plenty.” The bath salts and soaks in the cabinet, vitamins, and shoes are all getting used up before I buy another. If items of clothing are not worn for a season, they are given away at the end of that season, with just a few exceptions.

In spite of this, my closet is a mess again. How does it keep happening?  I didn’t purchase a lot of clothing in 2011; a pair of jeans and a couple of sweaters. Yes, one was grey.

Part of the problem is that I am 45 years old, and still have no idea what my style is. If it’s not yoga clothes, I am pretty much, at a loss.

My fashion sense has improved over the last fifteen years. I used to go on dates in a man’s extra large flannel shirt and black leggings.  The flannels have gone, but I am far from a fashion diva.  Many have tried to help and I attempted to absorb the lessons, but I am a slow learner.

I met my husband, Michael, ten years ago. He made me nervous.  He was older than me, never married, and traveled around the world many times.  He spoke obscure African languages, wore cool hats, and sported a beard.

I was in a show, in New York when Michael and I were first dating.  He would come into the city in between his travels and take me out. We were slowly getting to know each other.

Every Wednesday lunch, between shows, was spent with my friend and fellow actor, Adam. He was my trusted confidant. “I wonder if he’s a player”. I confessed over a shared salad.

“Listen sweetie,” Adam said and put his arm around me.  “Just go for it.  See what it’s all about.  If he hurts you, he hurts you, at least you followed your heart.”  “Besides,” He flexed his exposed bicep.  “If he hurts you, call me. I will have an army of gays, up there tomorrow.”

I spent the summer with Adam’s advice. It seemed to be working well. One fall afternoon, Michael and I drove to Maine.  We spent a weekend wandering in and out of shops, eating ice cream and enjoying a pre-child weekend; which you have no idea how much you should be grateful for because once you have a kid you spend all your weekends talking about your child.

“Try this on”.  Michael said and handed me a wool, navy blue, Greek, fisherman’s cap.  I scrunched up my nose shook my head.

“Just try it.” He faced me toward the mirror. I reluctantly pulled the cap over my ponytail. 

“You look adorable.” He said.

“Really? I am not sure.” 

“It looks great. Let me get it for you.” 

The more he used words like adorable and love, the more I believed that I was a hat person.

I yankeded the price tag off and sported my navy fishing cap through the streets of Camden, Maine.  I was sure this new worldly fashion sense was going to work for me.

Tuesday afternoon I returned to New York City. “Nice lid” the stage manager winked and held the door for me. “Thanks!” I breezed down the hallway.

I loved my new hat.

Adam was sitting in my dressing room. “Well?” he raised his eyebrows and grinned. “How was the weekend?”

I sat in front of my mirror and arranged my show make up.  “Fun” I said coyly.

“Oh.” Adam said. His mood darkened. He frowned and moved from the couch to my chair.  I felt panic rise in my throat.  “What?”

He put his arms around my shoulders and hugged me gently. I swallowed my panic  “He knows something bad about this guy.” I thought to my self.

 “Sweetie.” He removed my fishing cap and placed in on the table. “Not in New York.”

I loathed my new hat.

My husband turned out not to be a player. We have a son, who fills up both our lives. But, the problem in my closet still exists. 

My Greek fishing cap sits on a shelf next to my box of stage, false eyelashes.  My fashion sense lays somewhere in between.

Where is that army of gays when you really need them?

Days 6-11: I am working out my confused closet, cleaning out the cabinets in the bathroom and letting go of some stuff that’s just not me.  I will keep the Greek hat though.  It was one of the first gifts my husband gave me and even if it doesn’t work in New York I am sure we will travel somewhere where I’ll fit right in.

Don’t forget Day 12 is your Mid-Toss Ahimsa.  Take a moment, check in with your Sankalpa, and realign. 

Happy tossing.

A Vow In Silence

Sankalpa

The empty boxes are on the curb for recycling.  The vacuum cylinder is coated with sparkles and stray pine needles are strewed about the house. The Christmas commotion has settled and it’s perfect time to appreciate all we have, let go of what weighs us down, and make space for new dreams in this New Year.

24 Things cycles always begin with a Sankalpa.  It is a powerful way to start any endeavor.  A Sankalpa is a simple but specific intention; a spiritual resolve. Kalpana means, idea, imagination of the mind, creation.  Each New Year, or any endeavor we begin with a Sankalpa, is like a blank canvas.

The difference between it and a New Years Resolution is the direction of the energy, behind the determination.

New Years Resolutions often require that we give something up; sweets or alcohol. The focus is more on what we have been doing wrong and implies that we are not enough.

But, a Salkalpa focuses on what we want to call into our life, the focus shifts to receiving and abundance.

An Internal Vow

New Year’s resolutions are often shared and discussed. Telling a goal makes it less likely to happen. It actually extinguishes our drive.

When we share ambitions and it is acknowledged by others, the mind tricked into feeling satisfaction and we are less likely to do the work required. The mind mistakes the talking for the doing.

When you keep your promise to yourself, it’s sacred.

I am, not I want.

Focus on a positive result. Don’t give attention to what you don’t want or are lacking in. Word your Sankalpa with care, in the affirmative and present- tense; I AM rather than I WANT.

A Sankalpa is not “ I want to make new friends in my community.” It is “I am making new friends in my community.”

This slight adjustment makes a big difference. Imagine your best life and be clear and remember that where your energy is directed, your future goes.

Align with your Dharma

Dharma is the desire to be what your soul was meant to be. Ask yourself; how can I serve my highest potential?

When the individual aligns with the universal it is powerful. You know when you are moving in the right direction in life.  Your energy carries and sustains you.

Sometimes our resolutions don’t serve our Dharma. When we force situations to be as we wish rather than accepting what is, we exhaust our prana. When you feel this way, it is likely that you are not in alignment.

“You are what your deep driving desire is,

As is your desire so is your intention.

As is your intention so is your will.

As is your will so is your deed.

As is your deed so is your destiny.”

Brihadaranyaka Upanishad

Let go

We cannot receive until we let go of expectations and actions.  That doesn’t mean that we don’t have desires, goals and dreams.  Rather, it means we have a clear view of what the spirit is calling for and faith in the abundance of the Universe.

A Sankalpa is not about achieving a specific thing within a certain time frame. It is broader and far more encompassing than that. It is a steady, internal, energetic shift. It changes you.

Be clear about what you desire, keep an open mind about outcomes, and sustain effort and faith.

“Once you make a decision the whole world conspires to make it happen.” –Emerson

Now go 24

Today we start our first 24 Things cycle for the year 2012. Let go of one thing each day for the next 24 days. Let go and create freedom, in the home, mind or body, and create a sacred space. Inside this sacred space you can develop the faith that you will be provided for and cherished without the aid of material things.

We are more powerful than we know and can call in the wonderful, when we learn to let go.

Make space in your life for your Sankalpa to enter.

Blog

We have a growing list of bloggers that join in on 24 Things and share their experiences.  If you are blogging let me know. I love hearing about the experiences of others and will link you up to the 24 Things website.

Make a magical New Year.

Day 24: Give Up Hope

I don’t like being upside down and backwards.  This makes handstand a challenge for me.  I don’t trust that my fellow students can hold me steady, while I substitute my hands for feet. It’s a reflection of my own limited thinking, not an accurate assessment of their competence.

Still, I try. I go to class and take it step by step. First, I achieved headstand, which I couldn’t do a year ago. It’s a stepping-stone to the goal of handstand.

I have found that the key to achieving any difficult pose is to give up hope.

A fellow 24 participant, named Christianne, sent me an email.  She wrote; “On day one I accidentally gave up hope, but I got it back again.” Her Mom, whom she calls Nana, was ill and she was scared.

I wrote her and told her that she needed to toss hope back in the give away pile.

Hope is disempowering.  It implies that all our eggs in someone else's basket and that our input is minimal. But, faith is different. Fostering faith cultivates the small things that nourish and strengthen us.

Both values stem from desire, but desire without self-knowledge, strength, and balance can hurt us.

Years ago, when I was new to yoga, I watched students pop themselves up, into headstands. I joined in, hoping I could do it too.  I plopped my head down and force kicked my legs up. I fell and damaged my neck.

It is important to be grounded and centered before reaching for our desire or we will be knocked off balance.

Hope looks to the goodness of something outside of ourselves to come and help us. It coaxes the mind into the future. Faith thrives in truth and understanding. It comes from within and roots us in the present.

Anusara Yoga teaches us that the first step to achieving your desire is to “open to grace”. If you open your heart, and put faith the alignment principles of yoga, anything is possible. I can achieve my headstand with a forced kick or I can find my center and hug the heart open. I can come to the midline, and engage the belly; which is Manipura, the third Chakra and root of all desires. This level of connection and awareness allows the core lift the legs, almost effortlessly.

Christianne sent out a Facebook post, asking her friends to send cards to her Mom. “She adores cards.” She opened to grace with the faith that those who care for her would extend themselves and that small kindness, would fill her mother with happiness.

Faith aligns us with a higher consciousness. It shows us that we have the power to create change.

Christianne’s mom passed away last week. Her bedside table covered with cards; many of them, from people she didn’t even know. She passed away with the faith that her daughter had a loving support system to help her through a difficult time.

I believe that when someone dies, a spark of their energy jumps onto everyone they loved. This enables them to know us better now than they did when they were alive because that fragment of them, now sees the world through our eyes and feels through our spirit.

That spark continues to glow, expressing itself through each of us. What we learned from them and loved about them-- can be expressed in the way we move through the world in honor of that person.

This faith eases those upside-down moments in life.  It helps us achieve a balance between grief and the joy of loving someone dearly. It gives us the knowledge that our friends can steady us in difficult times.

Desire requires a leap of faith not hope. Hope is the façade of fatalism. Faith is the core of self-determination.

So, on our 24^th day, in honor of Nana, lets give up hope and make space for faith.

If weíre willing to give up hope that insecurity and pain can be 
exterminated, then we can have  the courage to relax with the 
groundlessness of our situation.  This is the first step on the path.

~Pema Chodron

Thanks to all of you who joined in, let go, and shared your experiences with us. See you January 1st!

DAY 23: My Grandmother's Pots

I try to organize my pots and pans and tupperware, but they never stay in those neat little piles.  I have tried sliding racks, metal shelves, drawers that pull, and hooks with magnets. Nothing works.

I promise myself with each new gadget that I will succeed in keeping order, but really, who am I kidding. It’s a mess within a week.

My Grandmother, who kept everything in perfect order, would be disgusted with me. A few of her old favorite pans are in there and I think can hear her clicking her tongue at me every time I open the cabinet door.

I tossed mis-matched lids and a scraped up fry pan and spent an hour removing everything from the cabinet and reorganizing.

Lets see how long it lasts.

One day to go friends. What have you uncovered so far?

Day 21 & 22: Each Tiny Toe

Yesterday, I broke out a few bins of old baby clothes.  Each little striped footie awakened a million memories.  I recall washing and folding each small onesie when I was eight months pregnant, and later, kissing each little toe before tucking it into the leg of his pajamas.

I hold up some pieces and can remember entire days with him at the zoo, or park but have no recollection of what I or anyone else was wearing.

I left my career when my son was born.  It was a choice I will never regret.  I couldn't possibly leave the house even night at his bedtime to run to a local theater and make half hour call.  There have been maybe ten nights that I haven't tucked him into bed, kissed him, read to him, scratched his back and been the last voice he heard before drifting off to sleep.  Motherhood has been a gift to me. One that changed me from my core and I am grateful to have this experience.

I have a friend who just had her fourth child.  She would use and appreciate these things much more than my basement corner.

This is a hard one.  I find I can more easily part with my own things than let go of my boy's baby clothes.  I am letting the baby clothing clear out count as my day 22 also.  There was a lot to let go.

Day 20: Wicked Funny Universe

On day Eight of April’s 24 Things  I let go of my old sheet music. I had stacks of it in the basement from my days in the theater. Three weeks later, I got a call from a Broadway casting director to come in and audition for Sister Act.

It affirmed for me that this process of letting go, really works. Amazing things can open up, when we release, what we think defines us.

It also proves that the Universe has a wicked sense of humor.  I had no music to audition with but managed to pull together a few songs. I didn’t get the job but had a great time visiting New York, old friends and belting out a few tunes.

I bring this up today because I am clearing out my boy’s old baby clothes and I want the Universe to know that I GOT IT THE LAST TIME. No need to repeat yourself.

If the Universe is reading this… I don’t want to get pregnant. I just want a clean basement.

Day 19: Full of Sheets

We live in a very old house so closet space is limited.  I have one closet that houses my coats, linens, pillows, and a few rarely worn, fancy dresses. Needless to say, this space needed some de-cluttering.

I had four sets of sheets for guests.  I don’t even have a guest room.

This is a perfect example of holding onto things that we don’t need “just in case”.

Unnecessary pillows and sheet cluttered up this much needed space.  I bagged them up and sent all but one extra set to charity.

I kept the fancy dresses though.  I wear them, on occasion, and the ones that are too youthful, I will save and give to my goddaughter.

You need a new pillow when:

Down and feather pillows, fold your pillow in half . If it stays folded when you release it, you need a new pillow. It should spring back to its original shape and fluffiness.

Synthetic fiber pillows, Fold the pillow in half and put a heavy book on it. The pillow bounce back to its or

Day 18: The Box

There is a box in my basement called the “If they come over box”.

In it, I keep things that people have given us, over the years, that we don’t really work in our house. When the “giver” comes over, I go to my box, retrieve the thing that doesn’t quite work and put it out.

There, I said it. I am a horrible person. I just donated that box.

A study conducted by Kijiji.com and Chadwick Martin Bailey in October last year discovered that 59% of people still had unwanted gifts from the previous Christmas. The questionnaire, completed by 1,554 Americans aged 18 or over, revealed that 51% of them had kept the gifts in the misguided hope they would find a use for it one day.~ Karen Kingston blog 12/2010

Day 17: Missing Teeth

Today, I am trying to let go of my son’s old books. I pick up each brightly colored, tattered, storybook and feel his little head on my shoulder.  I hear his squeaky voice asking me questions about the drawings and words, as I flip through the pages.

Last month, my boy lost two teeth and started Kindergarten and now I am removing his old picture books.

I put a few back that I cannot part with.

Today hurts. I may have to get to a yoga class and cry on my mat.

Day 16: Baubles and Beads

I was in the craft store stocking up on projects. My cousin, her husband and their two kids staying with us for the weekend.

Three days, with three kids, we needed crafts.

I grabbed a roll of Stretch Magic Beading Cord because I wanted to repair a special bracelet. I made my repairs, then remembered a box of broken bracelets, mala beads and necklaces that was tucked away in my closet. I pulled it out and started making bracelets.You know the ones made of colored stones and stacked on the arm by all the yogis?

Turns out it is very meditative. I sit with my son while he enjoys Batman and I make new bracelets out of broken old things. It is crazy that these jewelry companies charge 25 dollars for one of these gemstone bracelets when it takes five minutes to string one and costs about .09$ cents worth of elastic.  

When we leave things in disrepair it is evidence of a lack of respect for the self. Repair your homes and possessions and invest in your well-being. If you have something broken that you are hanging onto ask yourself why you haven’t taken the time to mend it. Then do so, or give it away to someone who will value it enough to repair it